Well I took a bit longer off than I originally intended, but yes I am back and should be back to my regular schedule of at least 2 posts per week. I do have Epic Mickey and will write about that next time, just don't think I'll get enough time in today to give a really thorough impression. Now, some of you may have already heard, but the latest game franchise sure to be completely ruined in movie form is Uncharted. While great Indiana Jones-style move fodder it is, rather than cast someone who can play the smarmy charming Nathan Drake (like say Nathan Fillion, who even campaigned for the role) they chose Marky Mark Wahlberg. Now, I don't share the ultimate hate for Wahlberg many do, even though he makes plenty of bad movies. But hey, plenty of actors do. But he is horribly wrong for this role. However he's not the first person cast in some iconic role when they clearly don't fit the bill. Here's 9 that might just make casting the funky one seem brilliant in comparison.
#9. Kevin Costner as Robin Hood in Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves
This just barely makes the cut because I absolutely love this movie, but it is in spite of Costner's absolutely terrible portrayal. Costner is one of the worst big name actors in recent history, and his inability to pick an accent and stick with it in this film doesn't help matters. Luckily the film is saved by everyone else around Costner, but that doesn't really make his "acting" excusable.
8.Hayden Christensen-Anakin Skywalker in The Star Wars Prequels
This is sort of only half the actor's fault. Sure, he's wooden and not the spitting image of the ultimate badass we saw in the original films, but Lucas' terrible dialogue and direction really seals the deal. And I won't really harp on Jake Llloyd because frankly he was 10, and really, how many good actors around that age are there?
7. Mark Wahlberg as Max Payne in Max Payne
This is probably why Wahlberg should actually know better than to jump into another video game adaptation. Max Payne is an intense noir thriller, and while Wahlberg can do gloomy serious cop, he can't really do the pain (no pun intended) of a scarred individual like Max justice. It didn't help that the gritty tone went down to a PG-13 rating orthat the trailers implied a supernatural element to a series that has none. Bad all around, but the heaviest anchor bringing this ship down was Wahlberg.
6. Anton Yelchin as Kyle Reese in Terminator: Salvation
Now don't get me wrong, Yelchin was absolutely gold in Star Trek as Chekov and he's got a promising career ahead of him. But he's no Kyle Reese. At least not the Kyle Reese who was badass enough to be John Connor's bestest buddy and most trusted soldier, only to go back in time, live out the fantasy of banging his best friend's hot mom and hold off the ultimate robot badass for about 99% of the movie. This Reese is lucky to have lasted 5 seconds in the apocalypse, and Connor wouldn't let him anywhere near a battlefield.
5. Dolph Lundgren as the Punisher in The Punisher
Yup. Russian steroid machine Ivan Drago as all-American killing machine Frank Castle. To be fair, the new Punisher may actually be worse, but that's more the fault of the movie. This is one of those casting choices that just makes you wonder how much blow did the execs go through before they were convinced this was a good idea?
4. Arnold Schwarzenegger as Mr. Freeze in Batman & Robin
I probably don't need to do much explaining here. One of the biggest disasters ever to be filmed, the failures run across the board. But arguably the most bizarre decision was to cast the hulking future Governor as the wiry extremely brilliant and extremely layered Victor Fries. Arnold was a great action star and even had some comedic range, but dramatic range just wasn't there, and buried in Schumacher's campier than Adam West could ever hope to be vision, it made even less sense.
3. Jean Claude Van Damme as Guile in Street Fighter
Guile is the All-American army boy in the Street Fighter franchise. So who better to play him than a Belgian who can barely manage English? Yeah, that's a brilliant idea. It's Street Fighter, we aren't expecting brilliance, and Van Damme wasn't exactly at his prime when this movie came out to begin with, so why they wouldn't just save money and cast some random American black belt who can speak proper English? It boggles the damn mind.
2. David Hasslehoff as Nick Fury in Nick Fury: Agent of Shield
David Hasslehoff in anything is pretty much a joke, but none more so than this ill-fated made-for-tv disaster. Granted, the land of TV movies is a mostly barren wasteland of pure trite, but this literally seems to come out of the fact that they producers needed an actor with some kind of name recognition, as admittedly before Sam Jackson came into the role, anyone who didn't obsessively read Marvel comics wouldn't have the slightest idea who the hell Nick Fury was. But it doesn't change the fact that Hasslehoff has made a career of being a complete goddamn joke, which makes him a pretty terrible choice to be one of the baddest non-superhumans in the Marvel Universe.
1. The entire cast of the Super Mario Bros. Movie
Oh dear god the horror. The horror. Two non-Italians butchering the admittedly stereo-typical but most famous Italians all of time. Dennis Hopper as King Koopa? A weird humanoid lizard as Goomba? What cocaine/ecstasy/lsd-fueled board meeting even cooked this up? To paraphrase a certain famous movie quote: What you've just produced is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever witnessed. At no point in this rambling, incoherent experience were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having watched it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.
Ok that's the list, and let's start things off with the FREE GAME OF THE WEEK: Super Pixelknight