BRING ME THE HEAD OF UWE BOLL!!!!

The whole "bring me the head" line may become a runner if enough people start pissing me off, and this is a LONG overdue one. Uwe Boll is the talentless prick who brought us the unimaginable horrors House of the Dead & Alone in the Dark. Now, I wasn't as mad about these horrible films as most people because of two main reasons. First, they were both based on practically dead game series that weren't that noteworthy to begin with. Second, it's not like he was hurting any good actor's career (Christian Slater & Stephen Dorff have been barely hanging on to their career for years, Alone in the Dark was just a possible final nail in the coffin).

But with only two major films under his belt, Boll has officially become one of the most reviled directors in history, with MANY websites and columns continually pleading or threatening him to stop making films, and with his latest projects and announcements, I am officially on the bandwagon.

First up is the movie Bloodrayne. Now, while I am not a big fan of this game series, it has some potential as a fun action film with it's interesting mix of Vampires and Nazis (in the games, Bloodrayne is actually a good vampire that hunts down evil Nazis). But of course Boll is making the biggest mistake he can by completely ignoring the storyline and instead making it some lame tale about Bloodrayne taking on her vampire father. The real kicker? Her vampire father is Ghandi! No, not the character of Ghandi(though at this point, it wouldn't suprise me), but the actor who is best known for portraying him-Ben Kingsley! That's right, Uwe Boll has somehow blackmailed Ben FUCKING Kingsley into one of his movies (although with his last two movies being Thunderbirds & Suspect Zero, Kingsley may have just lost it completely). And that's not all! Kristanna Loken, Michael Madsen, Michelle Rodriguez and Billy Zane are all in this certifiable brain hemmorage of a movie.

Then there is the recently announced cast for the Dungeon Siege movie. Jason Statham, Ron Pearlman, Lelee Sobieski & John Rhys-Davies have all signed on the dotted line (and Loken is in this one as well). Let's keep in mind that his movies combined have not even grossed $20 million! How is this guy getting all these films and mostly talented actors other than witchcraft?!?

And that's hardly the end of it. He's snapped up the filiming rights for Far Cry, Fear Effect, and Hunter the Reckoning. He's also mentioned in at least one interview he'd like to destroy several other popular franchises, specifically naming Hitman & Warcraft.

I think we should all start running a pool on who's career could actually survive a Uwe Boll film (although apparently Boll's own career is thriving through some sort of evil ritual where he sacrifices 10 bunnies a night to his dark gods).